When someone you care about is diagnosed with cancer, it can be hard to know what to say or how to say it. Many people fear saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all.
But leaning into the discomfort and approaching the conversation with openness and respect can make a meaningful difference, according to Lauren Rynar, PhD, director of Supportive Oncology at RUSH MD Anderson Cancer Center.
“Supporting someone with cancer doesn’t come with a script,” Rynar says. “The most important thing is to meet people where they are. Everyone’s experience is different, and your willingness to be present — even if you don’t have the perfect words — matters.”
Research shows that emotional and social support can improve quality of life, lower stress and even help people with cancer better cope with treatment.
With this in mind, Rynar offers five practical tips to help you navigate these conversations with confidence and compassion.
1. Ask permission
Before visiting, offering advice or asking questions to a person with cancer, always check in first — and don’t take it personally if their answer is “Not right now.”
Simple phrases such as “Is it OK if we talk about this?” or “Would you like to share how you’re feeling today?” allow the person to set the pace and depth of the conversation.
Studies even show that people feel more supported when they have control over how and when the topic of their cancer is discussed.
“If they choose to share more, follow their lead,” Rynar adds. “If they prefer privacy, honor it.”
2. Don’t be afraid to speak up
Avoiding the topic altogether can unintentionally make someone feel isolated. Many people with cancer report that silence from friends or family can feel more painful than an imperfect comment.
“Even a simple statement like, ‘I heard about your diagnosis, and I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here for you,’ conveys care and support,” Rynar says. “Authenticity matters far more than eloquence. Acknowledging the situation helps reinforce that they are not alone.
3. Follow their lead
Every individual relates to their diagnosis in a unique way. The words they use to talk about it — whether it’s more direct or neutral — reflect what feels right for them.
“Words carry personal meaning," Rynar explains. "Pay attention to how people describe their experience and adapt your language to match theirs. What feels right for them may shift over time — and that’s OK.”
Research on coping shows that people benefit when those around them validate their emotional experience, even when that experience is different from what others expect or hope.
“You don’t have to agree with their perspective to support it,” Rynar says. “You just need to honor how they’re seeing things in that moment.”
4. Don’t make it about you
It’s natural to want to relate by sharing similar experiences — your own or others. But doing so too quickly can unintentionally shift the emotional burden back onto the person living with cancer.
“Sometimes people end up comforting the person who came to support them,” Rynar says. “Keeping the focus on their feelings, needs and story ensures the conversation remains supportive. If they ask about your experience, then it’s appropriate to share, but let them guide that step.”
5. Offer support in meaningful ways
Support can look like a normal, everyday conversation. People with cancer are still themselves and may want to talk about work, hobbies, kids, pets or the latest show they’ve been binge watching.
And help doesn’t always require words. Research shows that practical support — like meals, transportation or help with daily tasks — can significantly lower stress for people with cancer and their families.
Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try offering something specific. Examples can include:
- Can I drop off dinner this week?
- Would it help if I drove you to your next appointment?
- I’m heading to the store. Can I pick anything up for you?
“Offers that are specific lighten the emotional load,” Rynar says. “And the best support is the kind that fits what they want and need.”
As director of Supportive Oncology, Lauren Rynar, PhD, leads a team dedicated to caring for the whole person. Supportive Oncology brings together experts in psychology, psychiatry, social work, spiritual care, nutrition, integrative medicine and symptom management, to help patients with cancer and their families navigate the emotional, physical and practical challenges of cancer.
“Our goal is to ensure that no one faces cancer alone,” Rynar says. “We’re here to provide compassionate care, clear guidance and meaningful support every step of the way.”
To make an appointment with our Supportive Oncology team, call (312) CANCER-1 or visit our website.
